GINGER VITUS

Cartman: [walks up to the front of the class and turns around, looking at his paper] Thank you, Mrs. Garrison. [reads] My speech is entitled “Ginger Kids: Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles.” [Stan and Kyle glance at each other] We’ve all seen them – on the playground, at the store, walking on the streets – they creep us out and make us feel sick to our stomachs. I’m talking of course about… ginger kids. [cues up his pics. A red-headed boy appears] Aww sick! Gross! Ginger kids are born with a disease which causes very light skin, red hair, and freckles. [next picture is of a girl licking her triple-scoop ice-cream cone] Aw, nasty! Yuck! [returns to his paper] This disease is called Gingervitus, and it occurs because ginger kids have no souls.
Kyle: [annoyed at Cartman's ignorance] What?!
Cartman: Kids who have gingervitus cannot be cured. [another redheaded girls pops up] Ah sick! [another redhead] Gross! [another redhead] Yeck![returns to his paper] Because their skin is so light, ginger kids must avoid the sun. Not unlike… [a picture of a vampire with a full moon and bats behind him pops up] vampires.
Class: Aaaah.
Kyle: That’s not true, fatass! I have red hair, and I don’t have to avoid the sun!
Cartman: I was getting to that, if you will let me. [returns to his paper] Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called “daywalkers.” [cues up a picture of Kyle, with "daywalkers" written underneath]
Butters: Ho! Daywalkers!
Kyle: This is all a bunch of crap!
Cartman: Mrs. Garrison, I’m really havin’ a difficult time with all these interruptions…
Mrs. Garrison: Kyle, let Eric give his presentation.
Kyle: It’s not a presentation, it’s a hate speech! People aren’t creeped out by gingers!
Clyde: [glances around] I am.
Mrs. Garrison: Kyle, if you wanna debate Eric, you can do so with your paper tomorrow!
Kyle: Fine, I will! [crosses his arms]
Cartman: Fine! In the meantime, shut your Goddamned daywalker mouth! [Kyle grits his teeth and growls, trying to contain himself] Let’s see, where was I? Oh yes! Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse, [next picture: a boy with a few missing front teeth] and unless we work to rid the earth of that curse, the gingers could envelop our lives in blackness for all time. It is time that we all admit to ourselves that gingers are vile and disgusting. In conclusion, I will leave you with this: if you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one, [the last pic is that of Carrot Top] think again. [the bell rings and the kids file out of the classroom.]
Kyle: Stupid supremist asswipe!
Stan: Dude, what’s the big deal?
Kyle: What’s the big deal?? Don’t you understand what ignorant prejudice like that can lead to? I have to disprove Cartman’s hateful rumors! Do you know any red-haired, freckled kids?
Stan: [thinks a moment] What about the Foley family? I think they’re all ginger.
[South Park, day. Stan and Kyle walk up to a house. The front door opens and three redheads greet them]
Three kids: Hello?
Kyle: Hey. Wuh I’m giving a speech tomorrow about people with red hair and freckles. Can I ask you a few questions?
Girl: [the middle child] Sure. Come on in. [waves them in. They enter]
Boy: [the oldest child] Mom, Dad, these boys wanna know about us.
Father: What? Heh, hello there, kids.
Kyle: We… came to learn the facts about people with red hair, light skin and freckles.
Father: [nervous throughout] Oho, gingers, yes. Our cute little red-haired rascals.
Stan: I’m sorry, but I don’t understand. You both have dark hair and brown eyes.
Father: Yes, we’ve learned that the ginger gene is recessive in both our families’ DNA. Actually, the odds of us having a red-haired freckled child were only one in four. And still it happened. Three times. What are the odds? [breaks down and sobs into his hands]
Mother: A lot of people carry the ginger gene and don’t know. [her husband stops sobbing and raises his head] If your spouse is also a carrier, then your children can turn out like… them. [they both look at the kids, who smile and grin]
Father: Each one of them’s a blessing.
Mother: Oh yes, each one of them’s a blessing.
Father: Huh Blesse-blessing full of love.
Three kids: [grinning] Thanks, Mom and Dad.
Kyle: But it’s… it’s not true they… have no souls. [somber music plays]
Father: No… no, I’m sure they do. [quickly rises and shows the boys to the door] Well it was nice meeting you boys. We’ve gotta get dinner started.
Kyle: I just had a couple more questions about-
Father: Look, boys, if you really don’t wanna have ginger kids, marry an Asian woman. Asians don’t carry the recessive gene. [looks right and left] I know a guy who’s marrying a Japanese woman very soon for just that reason. [closes the door on them and they turn around]
[South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Second Oral Report Day. Kyle stands at the front of the class with an image of melanin's chemical structure]
Kyle: And so, red hair, light skin, and freckles are all passed down genetically. A child’s red hair is not determined by the lack of a soul[Cartman yawns] but by the melanins which control the pigment in all of our skins. Thank you. [turns off the projector and goes to his desk amid some applause]
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Kyle. A little dry and sciency for my taste, but there you go. [the bell rings] All right, that’s lunch, kids. We’ll pick up with Clyde’s speech about lesbian cheerleaders after recess.
Butters: That was a very informative speech, Kyle.
Kyle: Thanks Butters
Cartman: Informative if you want to die. [hops off his seat and joins Butters and Kyle] Gusy, don’t forget. Kyle is a daywalker. Daywalkers are half-gingers themselves. Make no mistake: ginger kids are evil. You know who was ginger? Judas. And what did Judas do? Oh, he just got Jesus killed, that’s all. [moves towards the door] Look, I’m just saying what everyone else already thinks: Gingers are creepy. And one night, when you’re all sleepin’ in your room, the gingers are gonna getcha. They’re gonna GETCHA! [points at Clyde, who jumps back.]
[South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk towards the camera]
Stan: You buying school lunch today?
Kyle: Nah, my mom packed me a kosher lunch.
Clyde: [off screen] Right this way! [the camera shows four boys - Craig, Jimmy, Clyde and Token - kicking a redhead out] You can’t eat in the cafeteria! [Craig crosses his arms]
Boy: How come?
Token: Ginger kids eat in the hallway!
Jimmy: Yeah. Go on, beat it, re… rr-retard! [the redhead walks off and the other four boys go back inside the cafeteria]
Kyle: There! You see?! This is what happens when Cartman is allowed his right to free speech!
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